my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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