My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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