I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize