Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
