Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
