DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
