did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's rum buckets o'clock
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
