Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
