listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
