Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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