My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
