thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
