Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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