I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
