never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
