He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
