I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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