so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
