If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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