I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
