I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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