Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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