New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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