she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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