i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
