whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
