So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
