These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize