It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
