i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
