I'm gonna have a badass scar
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
