sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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