my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
