I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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