I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
