I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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