I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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