yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize