i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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