M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
