I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
