my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
