Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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