you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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