so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
