Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
