apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
