Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
