unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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