What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
