if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
