i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
