We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
