Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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