So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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