I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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