if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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