note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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