A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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