I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
