Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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