Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
