I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
