happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
