So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
