YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize